Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Christmas Jokes (No Groaning, Please)

Here, for your kids and grandkids (as if you're not going to read through them too!) are a few Christmas jokes. They're silly but we've often been told this page is among those most appreciated from our "Making the Most of Christmas" packets.

Who was the meanest of Santa's reindeer?
Answer? Olive. Remember what the song told us about this reindeer's attitude towards Rudolph? ("Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.")

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Just doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's certainly no offense," said the judge to the prosecuting attorney.
The lawyer answered, "Well, your honor, it depends on what you mean early. You see, the defendant here was doing his shopping WAY early, like before the store was opened!"

Earl: Just what nationality is Santa Claus anyhow?
Pearl: Don't you know? He's North Polish, of course.

Just before Christmas, there was a completely altruistic politician, a kind-hearted and honest lawyer and Santa Claus walking along 5th Avenue when they noticed a diamond bracelet lying in the curb. Which of them picked up the bracelet with a view to returning it to its rightful owner? Of course, the answer is Santa. The other two characters in the story don't really exist!

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him well to do so.

A word of warning from Denny & Claire -- Remember kids, when you stop believing in Santa, you start getting clothes for Christmas!

What kind of Christmas candle burns longer, the green ones or the red ones? Neither. All candles burn shorter!

Oh, Mom; can I please have a dog for Christmas? No, honey; you have to have turkey like everyone else!

What do you call a reindeer with cotton wool in his ears? It really doesn't matter. He won't hear you!

"Doctor, Doctor, with all the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep."
"Try lying on the edge of your bed; you'll soon drop off!"

Earl: My problem is that I keep stealing things when I go Christmas shopping. Doc, can you give me something for it!
Doctor: Well, try this medicine. But if it doesn't work, come back soon... and bring me a new video camera.

Man: That train set looks fantastic. I'll take one.
Assistant: I'm sure your son will love it, Sir!
Man: (sighs) Oh, yes; I suppose he would. You'd better give me two, then.

Did you hear about the stupid turkey? It was looking forward to Christmas!

Wife: Darling, you know that shockproof, waterproof, anti-magnetic, un-breakable watch you bought me for Christmas?
Husband: Yes. What about it? Wife: Well, it caught fire.

Why was Santa's little helper so depressed?
It turns out he had very low elf esteem.

What reindeer can jump higher than a house?
They all can! Houses can't jump!

What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? Claustrophobic!