Obama War Room: Mellow Yellow
[Defense Secretary Hagel, agitated, storms into the Oval Office]
HAGEL: Mr. President, we . . .
OBAMA: Stop! This sounds like trouble. I don’t want to hear it. [to Secret Service agent] Get him out of here!
HAGEL: [yelling] It’s North Korea, they’ve . . .
OBAMA: [covers his ears] Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah . . .
HAGEL: [screaming as he’s dragged away] They’ve attacked South Korea!
OBAMA: Damn, I heard that. Let him go. What’s going on, Chuck?
HAGEL: The North invaded the South three days ago, sir. Our troops on the demilitarized zone were overrun, Seoul was bombarded and occupied. In response, I ordered a strike on the North’s nuclear weapons facilities.
OBAMA: Why didn’t you tell me?
HAGEL: Sir, your standing order to the Cabinet: "I wish to remain ignorant of any event that would require me to make a decision."
OBAMA: Oh, right. So, why are you violating that directive?
HAGEL: The Norks got off a missile. It’s heading toward California. ETA, 11 minutes; touchdown, Orange County. We can’t knock it down. I’m telling you because no decision is necessary.
OBAMA: Well, don’t put this on me. I had nothing to do with it. Jay, when it comes up at your briefing later, say, "The president just learned of these events. He is as frustrated as everyone else about the loss of life."
CARNEY: Very good, sir. Network anchors on line 3.
OBAMA: Scott, Brian, Diane, ignore or spin the Korean situation tonight. That’s half a world away. As for Orange County . . . who cares?
WILLIAMS: I'll devote the bulk of our broadcast tonight to the new Smurfs movie, sir.
SAWYER: I’ll lead with a segment implying the North Koreans interpreted the Republican-engineered government shutdown as a sign of weakness.
OBAMA: Make it so. Scott?
PELLEY: We’ll do a story comparing the rise of Ted Cruz to Kim Young-un’s elevation to power.
OBAMA: Perfect.
(This superb satire is the product of Steve Grammatico. More of Steve’s work can be found at his blog, “You Hear Me, Barack?: A repository of conservative satire.”)
