I'm only printing a few of the items there but, believe me, it's worth it to go on over and read the rest. They're all good.
Are you typically lost when co-workers discuss current events around the water cooler? Do you have trouble figuring out the national debt or who that Ben Ghazi dude is, but you know exactly what's on Britney Spears' grocery list?
If you think you only deserve fun answers to all life's questions… you're right! This primer will help you look smart and morally superior in any political discussion. Just memorize these big words, explained in easy terms you already know from TMZ and The Daily Show:
BIASED: If you have a weird friend who goes to church and her parents are still married, that's what they are.
ELECTIONS: These are like the Teen Choice Awards: the coolest and most popular wins. Democrats always win because they are cool and popular. Republicans are more like your weird friend's parents.
IM-MI-GRA-TION: Whew, that's a long word — just like that velvet rope outside nightclubs. When really fun people arrive, you just open it right up.
QUAN-TI-TA-TIVE EASING: Remember Leonardo DiCaprio in Catch Me If You Can, and how he printed his own checks? Well, that's what the Treasury secretary, Tim Geithner, does. It's really cool.
DEBT CEILING: This is like Lindsay Lohan's probation: by law, she should go to jail if she gets arrested, but we all know she won't.
IRAN: Think Robert Downey Jr. - he may be calm at the moment, but if he gets his hands on the wrong stuff, he could trash his neighbor's house and pass out naked on the lawn.
MEDIA: The good media are like paparazzi and E! Entertainment who keep it real by telling us all the truth about interesting people. The bad media are like bullies who make good people look bad. Nobody listens to them except for your friend's weird parents.
GUN CONTROL: If Naomi Campbell had a gun, she would be shooting at her maids all the time. Without a gun she just beats them with a cell phone and then gives them compensation. Everyone is alive and happy. As long as the government keeps guns away from the citizens, Rihanna and Chris Brown will always be together.
FIRST LADY: She is like Kim Kardashian, only with other people's money.
MIDDLE CLASS: These are like the extras in movies — kind of important but nobody cares who they really are.
