“Complimentary Living”
(Denny Hartford, Director Vital Signs Ministries)
“Praise is warming and desirable. But praise is an earned thing. It has to be deserved like an honorary degree or a hug from a child. A compliment, however, is manna, a free gift.” (American poet Phyllis McGinley)
As Phyllis McGinley suggests above, a sincere compliment is a gift we give to others, a special gift that has the power to encourage others and help lighten their burdens. Compliments reflect a servant-oriented life that generously expresses kindness and goodwill as we selflessly delight in the virtues, skills, and demeanor of those whose lives touch ours for the good. Indeed, giving the gift of compliments should be a normal part of our relationships -- and part of our winsome witness of loving in word and deed.
Think of Jesus’ compliments to Nathaniel, to Mary Magdalen, to the widow who gave her mite, to the Roman centurion, to the Syrophonecian woman, to Mary of Bethany, to the churches in Revelation, and to all the saints who will one day hear, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.” And note also the many compliments we read of in the ministry of Paul and the other writers of New Testament letters as they followed the lead of their Lord’s example by expressing praise, appreciation, admiration to other believers.
No, there’s no doubt about it. The conscientious student of the Bible realizes that “complimentary living” is a serious thing to pursue for compliments are a precious, important, and inspiring gift. We should most definitely be handing them out more than we do. They have a beneficial effect to others even when they might seem small and insignificant. Robert Breault, the famed operatic tenor, once wrote, “There is no effect more disproportionate to its cause than the happiness bestowed by a small compliment.” And Mark Twain agreed with the sentiment. He wrote, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Oh, yes, even the very small compliment has a dynamic effect.
And once we realize that basic truth, to refrain from “complimentary living” is a serious omission of our light-bearing, salt-spreading, love-sharing duties as Christ’s ministers. We are commanded over and again in the Scriptures to love our neighbors, to bless and honor them, to thank and encourage them, and, when deserved, to praise them for jobs well done. So to fail to perform these duties is disobedience. It is a form of hoarding -- selfishly hiding away in the cellar those compliments, kind words, expressions of gratitude that would richly bless others and “encourage them to love and good deeds.”
Certainly, many of the reasons that we do not engage in “complimentary living” relate to our pride, fears, envy, a sense of competition, ingratitude, lack of humility, and so on. There’s also a problem of ignorance. Because of poor teaching and a lack of role models in our past, we haven’t learned the social skills necessary to effectively stimulate our fellow believers to pursue “further love and good deeds.” We thus need motivation (and frequent practice) to learn how to best express praise and thanks to others for the purposes of lifting their spirits, encouraging them in the Faith, strengthening friendships, and making our witness to the world more winsome. We will get to some specific examples of how to do that in a moment.
But first a word about flattery. Granted, the Bible does warn against flattery. But those passages condemn the false-hearted man who uses kind words and other gifts as a bribe or a seductive trap. Language can be perverted by base motives as when compliments are used to dishonestly move people to like us, or to distract from our bad behavior, or to try and manipulate people into doing us favors. God forbid such exploitation. But again, the sin in such cases is not the spoken blessings. It is the flatterer’s motives and purposes that are wicked, not the compliments themselves. We must not, therefore, avoid words of lovingkindness, esteem, and gratitude merely because they can be misused by manipulative people. Rather it is our spiritual duty to “love in truth” and thus honor others with words that come from honest, sincere, and servant-oriented hearts.
Okay, now for a few specific applications. Consider the following scenario. The Christian committed to a “complimentary living” walks into someone’s house and is looking for ways, not only to bless and encourage his host, but also to build a stronger foundation for their friendship. Therefore, he regards his surroundings before saying, “Oh my, what a lovely and inviting room this is. And an interesting one too. That photograph, for instance, is stunning. Is there a story behind it? And those figurines in the breakfront, they are also quite fascinating. What’s the deal with those?” What might you imagine to be the response from such a pro-active complimentary introduction? The homeowner would quite reply, “I don’t think anyone has ever asked me about the figurines or about the photograph on the wall. And that’s always been a bit of a disappointment. You see, I suppose we all decorate our homes in a way that we hope will be attractive and interesting to visitors, yet no one ever seems to notice. So, thank you so much for noticing and being interested...and for complimenting me on them. I really appreciate it.”
What a blessing it is -- a simple, but way too rare a blessing -- to take notice, to express sincere interest, to pass along compliments. And that goes for compliments expressed in hundreds of other ways. The lady with a chic new hairstyle. The young man’s diligence in mowing his grandpa’s lawn. A sibling’s thoughtful birthday card. The cook’s beef stew. The elderly woman’s smile that lights up a room. You get the idea. And don’t forget that before the spoken accolade, showing your attention to the other person is in its own place quite invaluable. As Ann Sophie Swetchine observed over a century ago, “Attention is itself a tacit and continual compliment.”
Now please keep in mind that, though I take nothing away from the legitimacy of praises for a person’s orderly garage, someone’s fingernail polish, or the humorous piece of bric-a-brac they won at the county fair, the compliments which are the most important and lasting of all are those which note with appreciation the practice of biblical virtues. Indeed, the highest compliments (like the ones you read of so frequently in the Bible) point to a person’s godly character and action: perseverance in prayer, faithfulness, generosity, obedience, holy behavior, purity of thought, purity of doctrine, courage, preaching the good news, abiding in Christ, endurance, sacrificial love, care of the needy, wisdom, remembering God’s providential care, laying up treasure in heaven, and so on. To be sure, these passages provide excellent motivation and direction for how best we engage in “complimentary living.”
And speaking of the best compliments, let me share something which illustrates the importance of our selecting the most relevant, and motivational compliments possible. Many years ago, Claire and I created a couples game that involved spouses trying to match their respective answers to questions about their history, opinions, aspirations, etc. It always made for a fun evening but one which was also provocative and enlightening. For instance, one of the questions we asked in the game was, “What compliment does your spouse most like to hear from you?” Well, we played this game with maybe 150 couples over the years but, surprisingly enough, only 3 or 4 times did the responses of the married couples match to this question. Isn’t that something? It didn’t mean, of course, that the spouses were failing to pass along to one another any compliments at all. But it did reveal that the compliments each most desired to hear from each other were going largely unsaid.
Example? The husband might have frequently been complimenting his wife on her beauty and/or her gracious spirit while she praised her husband on his ability to fix things around the house and his generosity. Yet, the answers to the game’s question revealed that the wife would have preferred even more to hear her husband praise her for her dedication to pro-life ministries or her patience and skill in teaching their children to read. And, despite the love and admiration and gratitude the husband knew was given him by his wife, he still yearned to hear her express appreciation for his courage or his consistency in Bible study or how closely his work ethic resembled that of his father’s. In other words, all compliments are not equal. Therefore, we must carefully watch and listen to others so that we are more in tune with their spiritual adventure. And, as we do so, our compliments (as well as our words of challenge or correction when needed) will be more relevant, more welcome, more profound.
One final thing. How should you receive a compliment? Well, you should definitely avoid offending your brother in Christ by thoughtlessly dismissing his kind words. How often it happens that, in an attempt to be humble (or perhaps, merely to appear to be humble), people treat heartfelt compliments as insignificant or, worse still, as illegitimate. At all costs, avoid doing that. For instance, do not disrespect a brother’s compliment by shrugging your shoulders and saying, “No problem” or “No big deal” or “Well, I had nothing better to do.” And don’t play the sanctimonious Pharisee with a response like, “Oh, my misguided brother, praise not the arm of flesh! For I am nothing but a profligate sinner, a low-down knave in whom there dwelleth nothing good. No, be not deceived; if there was anything of value in my deed, it came not from me but from the gracious kindness of God Who condescended to use such a worm as I. Therefore, tempt me not to pride by thy honeyed phrases but rather confess there is naught in any of us that is worthy of a compliment.” Yipes!
Much more appropriate, humbler, and more loving responses to sincere compliments are things like “You’re more than welcome. I was honored to do it and I’m really pleased I was able to be of help.” Or “I’m so glad you liked it. That makes my day.” Or a simple, sincere “Thank you.”
Okay, let me wrap this thing up. And I’ll start with is 1) My earnest compliments to you for patiently reading through this whole article! 2) I heartily encourage you to be more complimentary to others. Pay attention to them so that when you do speak kindness into their lives, it is of the most relevance and value. 3) Be liberal and frequent in your praises. Don’t be like those described by American humorist Kin Hubbard, “Some folks pay a compliment like they had to go down in their pocket for it.” And finally, 4) Let your compliments be sincere, kind, and designed for a person’s spiritual good. Concentrate on expressing thanks and encouragement for things relating to character and virtue.
“Everybody likes a compliment.” (Abraham Lincoln)
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